Extra Help at the End of Life

Marie Fryers's message to our team

I just want to give feedback to the incredible team of people who supported and cared for my lovely father-in-law, Albert, during his last days in 2023.  The care was exemplary and every person that came into the house looked after Albert with such grace and dignity...it took my breath away.

It was his wish to be at home and I am so, so grateful to every single person that made this possible.  My mother-in-law was treated so tenderly, and with such compassion.  I cannot express enough just how important every single visit was to our family.  The team brought humour, dignity and immense professionalism into a very tough time for us all, losing someone we all loved so very dearly. 

I really wish I had taken a note of everyone's name.  I can't remember now, so please do forgive me if I don't mention you all...you were all so, so special. Lisa, thanks for chatting to us so warmly on the overnight sit.  Sara and Michelle, you were with us on Albert's last day.  I will never, ever forget what you did for us all, and how you helped us all.  Sara and Michelle, thanks for hugs and such kind words at the hardest moments of saying goodbye.  Please know you do a phenomenal job, and you made such a difference.  So many of your wonderful team came to help us. 

Thank you all, every single one of you, from the bottom of my heart.  You provided Albert with exceptional care and I am so pleased to know that there are people like you all working to help people at the toughest times in life.  We were lucky to meet you all and have such tremendous support.

Love to you all,
Marie Fryers

Sam Dobbs' message to our team

I would like to get a message to the wonderful people to whom Dad’s daily care was entrusted in the past nine weeks of his life, leading to his death on Thursday 8th December 2022.

For him, in the fourteen years since Mum’s death, his challenge to, and pact with me, was that he would be able to live at home and not leave till "carried out in his box!"  He was afforded his last wishes only thanks to the care in the community and the amazing work of the Age UK Northamptonshire team appointed to look after him.  There are not superlatives enough to describe the respect, affection and gratitude we feel for the Age UK Northamptonshire team. All are individuals but all share a common purpose and value which shone through their care for Dad and us.

From the early days I was able to have the Age UK Northamptonshire team let themselves in unannounced and conduct their four visits a day.  Dad really enjoyed their time here, and to see how he was treated each day was a delight for me, as he wanted for nothing.  They did what it says on the tin – they were carers who cared.  Ironically, it adds to our bereavement that we ourselves will miss their smiling faces and their ability to handle all our ups and downs, advising us how to deal with this or that challenge with the medics, and get the best for Dad.

In church and work life, which exposes me to death and bereavement regularly, I have a mantra that for the living we can ask but for two things of the inevitability that death brings: firstly that we all die loved, and secondly that we can have a good death.  Because of the Age UK Northamptonshire team, Dad died loved – because we were allowed to put in second place the practical things and leave them to you, leaving first place to our relationships with him. Because of the Age UK Northamptonshire team, he died a good death. 

For the ladies to know, he slept deeply on Wednesday after you suggested a visit from Marie Curie on the Tuesday, when he was administered the medication your carers suggested might make him more comfortable.  He was fast asleep when the carers came on Wednesday night and had a peaceful, less noisy night. My sister texted at 7.40am to see how he was, and I could hear him breathing. I got up and went downstairs, with him still breathing at 7.55am, and let out the dogs and made him his cup of tea. When I went to his room, it was quiet. He was pink and warm, and the GP reckons that he died at 8am on the 8th as he heard me taking the dogs out – the normal routine. He never suffered pain, neglect, or the symptoms of the bad deaths we often hear about.

Please never underestimate the difference you make to people’s lives at critical times.  This is not just to the person dying, but to those around that person. Whilst for eight weeks, the house became Piccadilly Circus, with constant visitors, it remained our home.  Without an exception, each carer, whilst different, was an exemplar of care, compassion and love – with humour and sincerity in abundance.  The discretionary effort – the bits money and pay cannot buy – helped our psychology in dealing with what was to come and has now happened.  Even down to remembering (and tolerating) our dogs and making a fuss of them, and advising when family tensions rose, the carers were our anchor as the storm tossed us against rocks and in the still moments too.

My personal belief is that we can no longer entrust the measure of society or the moral test of it to government.  But thanks to the sheer goodness of Age UK Northamptonshire and those ladies who have been such amazing ambassadors of all that Age UK Northamptonshire stands for, with my Dad’s good death, society has not lost out and my trust is somewhat reassured.  We will always be able to say that we were carried through the most challenging time in our life, on the shoulders of giants like your amazing team, individually and collectively who are a credit to you, our society and a gleaming beacon of hope in that society which is forgetting how to care.

Thank you for all you have done for us and will continue to do for countless others and hoping you all have a restful, joyful and peaceful Christmas and New Year.

Sam Dobbs