Difficult conversations in later life
It’s not always easy, but an honest conversation can be vital if someone’s struggling in later life.
Worried about an elderly person: what to do & who to contact
If you're concerned about the health, safety or wellbeing of an older person, it can be difficult to know where to turn or how to help without overstepping. Whether your worry is about their physical health, mental wellbeing, living conditions or a suspicion that something more serious is wrong, there are clear steps you can take and people who can help.
Talk it over with them
It can be worrying to see someone struggling as they get older. One of the best things you can do is talk it over together with the person you're worried about, discussing your concerns and listening to each other.
Having those conversations isn't always easy. Family and friends can be deeply unsettled by signs that suggest a loved one isn't coping. Sometimes people find it difficult to have open conversations because they don't want to cause offence, or have strong emotions of their own, not wanting to acknowledge that a loved one is getting older and that they might lose them one day.
If you think someone is at immediate risk
If there's an immediate risk of harm, call the emergency services on 999. If you're very concerned about someone's health or welfare but don't think it's an emergency, call 111 for NHS advice, 24 hours a day.
In other situations you can contact the local council in the area where the person lives and raise an 'adult safeguarding' concern. This should be done with the consent of the person wherever possible.
If that's not possible, or you feel that seeking consent would create more risk, then you can contact the council without the consent of the person at risk.
Visit GOV.UK to find your local council
Assess your worries
Before you have a conversation with them, it's a good idea to assess your worries.
Lower level concerns
These are often the earliest signs that something’s wrong. Other people who don’t know the person as well might not notice them, as they might be examples of a high standard that the person used to take some pride in slipping. That doesn’t mean they aren’t unsettling to the people who know them well.
Examples: Not doing their hair, not putting on make-up or taking as much care about other aspects of their appearance as they used to, not being as house-proud as before.
Medium level concern
The person’s daily routine may be affected by these changes. Other people who aren’t as close to the person may be noticing things too.
Examples: No longer washing regularly, not getting dressed during the day, refusing to go out, trouble sleeping.
Higher level concerns
The things the person is doing are affecting their health or wellbeing quite a lot. They would probably need support to be able to make changes.
Examples: not eating properly, drinking a lot of alcohol, smoking a lot, not taking medications, living in unsanitary conditions.
Put yourself in their shoes
If you can, put yourself in the shoes of the other person. How might they be feeling about the situation? What could be making them act the way they are?
There are some common feelings among people who are struggling with challenges as they get older.
Don’t want to ask for or accept help
Perhaps they don’t want to admit there’s a problem, feel ashamed of becoming a burden or don’t like the idea of losing control. Or perhaps they don’t feel safe raising their worries.
Not feeling motivated
They might feel like it’s just too much effort to make changes or keep up with things the way they used to.
Not knowing how to make changes
Are they feeling resigned to how things are now, or like they’re not able to change?
Feeling like nothing matters
Sometimes people can start to feel like life doesn’t have meaning anymore, or that they’ve become a burden.
It can be deeply unsettling to think of someone, particularly someone you love, feeling like this. And it's OK to feel upset, confused or even angry. Your emotions matter too.
Ask yourself if you're the best person to help?
We all want to do the right thing, but sometimes that can mean admitting we’re not the best person for the job.
Try thinking through these three steps to decide how to proceed.
Think about your relationship with the person.
Will your involvement be too stressful for them or for you? Will you or they get upset or angry? Will they give you the full picture?
Because you know them so well, it can sometimes be harder to talk calmly with the people you care about most. You might feel they're being:
- irritable
- demanding
- stubborn
- uncooperative.
However, it's worth remembering that they might be thinking the same things about you.
Even when concerns are well-intentioned, it's worth bearing in mind that no one enjoys being told how to live their life. So ask yourself whether you're able to really try to see things from the other person's point of view and respect their opinions - even if you don't agree with them.
Would another perspective be helpful?
Sometimes, people who aren't so close to the situation can be the best people to help. They may be able to see things from a perspective you haven't considered, or help move conversations forward if you've been talking in circles for some time.
This can be especially true if the person you want to talk to is someone who has looked after you, like a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle. There's a change in the relationship which can be difficult.
It might be helpful to involve a trusted friend or family member who is not so close to you or the situation.
Consider asking a professional for advice
People with training and experience who work with older people regularly, like occupational therapists, physiotherapists, doctors or nurses, can give you expert help and advice.
Age UK can also provide information and advice about a wide range of practical topics to do with age and later life.
Consulting professionals doesn't mean giving up control or admitting defeat – they're there to work with all of you and will promote the rights of the person you're worried about.
How to have an open conversation
Talking about sensitive subjects can be difficult for everyone involved. When we feel uncomfortable, it's all too easy to come off sounding abrupt or accusatory.
Here are a few things to consider:
Don’t start by problem-solving
Try to avoid starting your conversations by saying what you think needs to happen. Instead, give yourself time to really hear what the other person is saying, and let them know that you're listening and want to hear their side of the story.
Ask open questions
Open-ended questions (ones you can’t answer with yes or no) are usually better if you’re hoping to get more detailed answers from someone.
So instead of asking "Do you think you’re eating enough?", you could ask "What did you have to eat yesterday?" or "What are some of your favourite meals to cook?"
If the person you're talking to gets irritated or defensive, you might need to prepare yourself for some more hostile answers: "What's that to got do with you?" or "Why are you criticising me?" for example.
Keep calm, and try to explain why you're asking. Let them know that you're concerned and would like to talk about it. Perhaps suggest they do it to humour you or to ease your mind. Sometimes people are more willing to engage in things they don't really want to do when they feel like they're doing it for someone else.
Listen without judging
Try not to interrupt or talk over the other person. It's understandable that they might be defensive or try to minimise the problem – it may be a matter of pride. Or they might simply see things differently to the way you do.
Nodding, maintaining eye contact and keeping your body language open and engaged are just as effective as speaking to let someone know you're listening to them.
Focus on the other person
When you're raising your concerns, keep in mind that this isn't about you. Try to focus on the other person's feelings and concerns before talking about what you want to happen.
By putting their views at the centre of the conversation, you're more likely to get them to open up, and you'll show them that you're there for them.
Agree small steps together
Remember, this conversation isn't about 'winning' – the other person may not acknowledge or agree with everything you have to say.
That can be frustrating, but small steps forward can be the best way to make lasting changes that help. Letting some things go in favour of building up your relationship can be much more effective in the long run.
Be prepared to have more than one conversation
Sometimes, talking things over once isn't enough. You might find that you need to have lots of little talks. That's often the case when you're discussing complex, emotionally-charged topics, or when someone's feelings, behaviour or interpretation of events can change a lot.
This can feel draining or like you're not getting anywhere, but keep trying. Remember, you don't have to cover everything in one go. Try breaking down what you want to discuss into smaller talks. This might help the other person feel less overwhelmed or attacked, if you find they act defensively when you try to talk to them.
Conversations about sensitive topics aren't easy. Make sure you give yourself plenty of time, and choose a place to talk where you won't be interrupted. And it's OK to take a break or call time on a conversation if things are getting heated. You can always come back to it again later.
Not able to talk to the person you're worried about?
If you think they need some practical support that you can't help with, Age UK can provide information and advice on lots of issues - from housing to health. Call our advice line for free on 0800 678 1602, or contact your local Age UK.
What to do if someone makes choices you don’t agree with
It can be hard to see someone you care about doing something that you think is bad for them. But unless there's an immediate risk, everyone has the right to live their life how they choose.
Legally, all adults have the right to make their own decisions, unless their ability to understand, remember or consider the issue is affected by things like dementia, learning disability or a mental health problem.
If you've raised your concerns clearly and calmly and the person doesn't agree or doesn't want to make changes, you must try to accept that it's their decision. Ultimately, no matter how much we care about someone, what they do with their life has to be their choice.
Things to consider
It’s important to remember that if someone is able to make their own decisions (called having mental capacity), they have the right to make choices other people might think are unwise. If you believe that someone is not able to make their own decisions and this puts them at risk, speak to the adult safeguarding team at the local council in the area where they live.
We're here to help
We offer support through our free Advice Line. Lines are open 8am-7pm, 365 days a year. We also have specialist advisers at over 120 local Age UKs. You can contact us on 0800 678 1602.
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