Tammy contacted the Age UK Advice Line at the beginning of the year about her parents’ finances, as her father, Craig, is caring for her mother, Ann. Here, in her own words, Tammy discusses her relationship with her dad, as well as family, faith and fostering.
“I love my dad – I adore him. He was part of a generation in which the men in the house didn’t do anything and wives did everything. He very much believed it was his duty to earn a living, and Mum would be at home and raise the kids. That wasn’t always possible, though, for a lot of reasons, but I think that was his way of thinking.
“He does more around the house now and I think he would have been a good house husband if he’d have allowed himself to do it, but his mum had always taught him that's not the way it was. When we were growing up, he took an interest in what we were doing. He wasn’t overly expressive, but he was always there.
Mormonism did make us different, but not impossibly, and I don’t know that Dad was aware it made us feel different.
Faith and traditional values
“Dad was very involved in the Mormon church, and we grew up as Mormons with very traditional values. We didn’t drink tea or coffee, no one smoked or drank alcohol. When you’re little, you don’t really notice these things. But as you get older, as your friends at school start to go out and experiment with drink and stuff, you start to notice that difference. Mormonism isn’t a one day a week thing, so there were always meetings and places to go. I went to parties, but they were church parties. We went to discos, but they were church discos. It took over everything. And for me, it was OK, as I like familiarity.
“It didn’t suit all my family too well, though – one of my brothers and one of my sisters didn’t like that way of life. Mormonism did make us different, but not impossibly, and I don’t know that Dad was aware it made us feel different. But Dad was 100% supportive in the things we wanted to do.
The great outdoors and motorsports
“Like my dad, I love to be outside. I know nothing about cars or trial cars, which Dad is very passionate about, though I love the smell of the oil and it’s good fun. I guess I’m a bit of a people-pleaser, so when Dad said he wanted someone to go with him to motorsports with him, I went, and I really enjoyed it. I remember saying to him, ‘The day the car rolls over is the day I quit’ and it happened. So, I said, ‘The next time the car rolls over, I quit’ – and it never happened again!
Tammy's parents, Craig and Ann, on their wedding day.
Fostering
“My parents started fostering when we’d all pretty much grown up and left home. I think it was a case of empty nest syndrome for Mum and Dad. Mum had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, so she needed something she could do from home, and if she was having a bad day, she’d still be able to do homework and bits with the kids if they needed it.
“The children they fostered had complicated personal circumstances. The first child they took on, a young boy, was autistic and had been badly mistreated. He would just sit under the dining table with his food, his coat on with hood over his head, just rocking. Now the first child they fostered is in his thirties and one of the family, still visiting Mum and Dad and gets invited to every family do; he holds down a job. He was told he’d never accomplish anything, but all he needed was people to look after him and love him and accept him for who he was. My parents have looked after something like 35 children since – some of them only for a couple of nights, and others for much longer.
My dad says they’re managing, but I’m concerned that ‘managing’ isn’t the best way to live your life. And what happens when they can’t manage?
A helping hand
“My parents retired from fostering in the summer of 2022, when Mum was 78 and Dad was 82. Dad loves looking after Mum, who’s now unable to do certain things, so Dad does what she can’t. He’s really thriving on the fact he’s looking after his wife, which is sweet to see and romantic. My parents have always looked after me, feeling that I’m the one of their children they needed to look after the most. I think it’s now my turn to look after them. I don’t feel it’s a chore – it’s my chance to say thank you and my next step in life. None of my siblings live close enough to do it, but they would help if they could.
“I go in and help with changing the bedding and doing the gardening. My dad says they’re managing, but I’m concerned that ‘managing’ isn’t the best way to live your life. And what happens when they can’t manage? It was me who contacted Age UK, as I saw Mum’s money going down so rapidly.
“My parents have been living in their house for two-and-a-half years. They shouldn't have been paying rent, and they shouldn’t have been paying council tax, but they’ve been paying both. Plus, Dad didn’t get Attendance Allowance. And I didn't know what to do about this, until someone recommended that I speak to Age UK. So, I phoned the Age UK Advice Line and we went through all the forms with us, helping with the applications for pension credit, housing benefit, Carers Allowance, which we got all sorted at the beginning of this year. It’s made such a difference.”
The Age UK Advice Line
Our free, confidential national telephone service for older people, as well as their families, friends, carers and professionals. Lines are open 8am-7pm, 365 days a year.
