Consent and abuse

Unfortunately, relationships aren’t always as safe and respectful as they should be. As we get older, we can become more vulnerable to abuse. This page explores what consent and abuse can look like, and what to do if you’re worried about yourself or someone else.  

Understanding consent

Consent is clear agreement to engage in a specific activity. You must have the person’s consent before engaging in any kind of sexual activity with them. This might include saying ‘yes’ verbally, nodding, or initiating the activity that’s being suggested. However, it’s communicated, you need to be sure that your partner is completely happy and comfortable with what’s happening – and they don’t feel pressured to agree.  

It’s important not to assume that you have consent. Even if someone agreed to an activity before, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to do it again – so it’s always best to check.  

 You should stop straight away if:  

• they’re silent or unresponsive  
• they hesitate  
• they agree but unenthusiastically – for example, saying ‘if you want to’  
• they seem uncomfortable in any way  
• they’re influenced by alcohol or drugs, including prescribed medication, and can’t make a clear decision 
• they don’t, or you suspect they don’t, have the mental capacity to give consent, e.g. they are confused or unclear about what is happening 

Can people with dementia give consent?

If your partner has dementia, or another health condition that affects their decision-making, you might feel unsure about being intimate with them – especially if you aren’t able to communicate together as you usually would.  

 Whether someone can give consent to sex or other types of physical intimacy depends on whether they have the mental capacity to make those decisions.  

If a person lacks mental capacity to consent to sex, no one can consent to sex on their behalf. 

For more detailed information about dementia and consent, see the Alzheimer’s Society’s website.  

Understanding abuse

Abuse is often perpetrated by those closest to us – and that can include romantic and sexual partners.  

Everyone’s experience of abuse is different, and it can sometimes be hard to recognise abuse.  

 Abuse can include:  

•  physical harm  
• threats or intimidation  
• misusing your money  
• shouting  
• controlling or coercive behaviour  
• pressure to see or take part in sexual acts  
• rape.  

What to do if you’re worried about yourself or someone else

If there’s immediate danger, call the police on 999. If there isn’t immediate danger, you can report the abuse by calling the police on 101.  

You can also contact Rape Crisis England and Wales, or your local authority if you have concerns around capacity and consent.  

Hourglass supports older people experiencing any form of abuse, as well as anyone who’s concerned about an older person. Their helpline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – call 0808 808 8141 to speak to them.