“We hit it off from the word go. You couldn't have picked a more perfect person for me,” says Sandra of her telephone friend, Sarena.
Sandra has been speaking to Sarena for the past eight years, since the death of her beloved husband, Don.
“Don and I had been together for 43 years,” explains Sandra. “And when he died, I was at breaking point. It was like a piece of me had been taken away.”
Sandra, 69, has lived in the same bungalow in south-west England for almost 30 years. Sadly, many of the neighbours Sandra used to know have moved or passed away. Meanwhile, Sandra’s osteoporosis and breathing problems make it difficult for her to get out and socialise.
“I talked to the Samaritans,” explains Sandra. “They said that I needed to find someone I could talk to – a companion – and gave me a couple of numbers. I phoned Age UK and the people on the line were ever so helpful, sweet and kind. They understood how lonely I had become.”
[Sarena] kept me going in those very bad days.
Support through challenges
Through Age UK’s Telephone Friendship Service, Sandra was matched with Sarena. “Honestly, I don't know what I'd have done without her,” says Sandra. “She was just there. She'd listen and chat, and she kept me going in those very bad days.”
“I've definitely supported Sandra with her grieving,” agrees Sarena. “She will always be grieving for her husband, as she built her whole life with him.”
But the “really special friendship” Sarena enjoys with Sandra is anything but a one-way street. Last year, Sarena’s partner was diagnosed with cancer. “Sandra was there for me every week,” says Sarena. “She was constant: always supportive, always positive. It was amazing. She got me through that.”
“We're from completely different backgrounds in so many senses of the word,” continues Sarena. “I'm in my thirties, and when I first started speaking to Sandra, I was in my twenties. I live in London, and I've grown up in a completely different world to her, but she respects and listens to my opinions and takes them on board.”
The magic of laughing together
When Sandra and Sarena discuss politics or current affairs, Sarena says, “we generally always come to the same conclusion. I guess we've got very similar values, which means you can have quite difficult conversations and feel supported.”
As with any friendship, the conversations that Sandra and Sarena have run the full spectrum of emotions, ranging from the serious to the frivolous. “We can go really deep about grief or loss,” notes Sarena. “But we discuss happy things too, like if someone either of us know has had a baby. It comes quite naturally. We talk about simple things like the weather too, and food.”
“I can't cook anymore because of my disabilities,” says Sandra. “But we often talk about the meals that I used to make for Don. And we like to stand on our little soap boxes and put the world to rights!”
Sandra appreciates the laughter shared with Sarena, too. “We always find something to laugh about. Sometimes we are both feeling a bit down, but we help bring each other up. We’re always laughing by the end of the phone call. It's like magic.”
We're from completely different backgrounds in so many senses of the word... but [Sandra] respects and listens to my opinions and takes them on board.
Inspired to change career
When Sarena first started volunteering for the Telephone Friendship Service, she was working for a furniture start-up, but during the pandemic, inspired by her experiences talking with Sandra, Sarena started working for an intergenerational charity.
“Even now,” notes Sarena, “if I have to talk about intergenerational connection, I'll use my relationship with Sandra and the huge impact it has had on me. I say that in these kinds of relationships you usually put the older person into the deficit model – they’re lonely, they're receiving care. But I explain that Sandra's a human being who has opinions, who will have a laugh with me, who can give me advice and all of that. It's a two-way relationship.”
An impactful relationship
“Sarena is really special,” concludes Sandra. “My husband died on 9 April and I know on that day she will be sending me a virtual hug, because I know she'll be thinking of me. That's how close a relationship we've got.”
“Often we talk about how amazing it is that Age UK offers these services,” adds Sarena. “It's just had such an impact on my life and on Sandra’s. We've found so much joy in our friendship and our relationship. She really listens and really cares.”
